Friday, January 7, 2011

Sports Bras and Embarrassing Moments



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1. Approach the sports bra with confidence, secure in the belief that you will wear it.

2. Holding the sports bra open by its bottom edge, peer into it and locate the medium-sized opening in the center of the cavity. This is your target.

3. Take a moment to ask yourself the following questions:

A. Am I naked from the waist up?

B. Have I removed my glasses?

If the answer to either is "no," make the necessary adjustments and return to Step 1.

4. Snake your right arm through the right armhole as far as it will go. Repeat for left arm and left armhole.

5. Assume power stance: feet shoulder-width apart and knees slightly bent. Hook your thumbs into the sports bra's bottom-edge elastic and pull it out in front of you as far as possible. (Note: do not let go.)

6. In one, deft motion, pull the elastic toward you and over your head. If you have martial arts training, this would be the time to release your battle cry, or kiai.

7. You should now be standing with arms pointing skyward, the sports bra encircling you at chin level, binding your biceps to your ears.

8. Remain calm. Visualize yourself wearing the sports bra while engaged in a pleasant activity, such as not watching Jersey Shore.

9. Cross your arms in front of your face, grasp the bottom of the sports bra and begin tugging it down to your chest. This process should take 2-25 minutes and can be streamlined by the removal of one of your arms (advanced yoga practitioners only).

10. If you have followed steps 1-9 correctly, the sports bra is now strapped across the rise of your bosom, compressing the breasts downward to the point that you can see your pulse in your areolas.

11. Resume power stance (see Step 5). Holding firmly to the bottom edge of the sports bra, pull it away from your body in a downward arc until it grazes your kneecaps. Then, with a scraping motion, drag the sports bra upward along the front of your body, capturing all excess flesh in its path.

12. When the bottom elastic reaches the desired altitude on your rib cage, release it. Then, while holding the top of the sports bra away from your body with one hand, plunge the other hand into the sports bra to distribute and align its contents, which should include both of your breasts.

Note: If you are unable to locate two (2) breasts in the sports bra, do not become alarmed as they are likely nearby. Remove the sports bra (see "How to Take Off a Sports Bra") and return to Step 1 of these instructions.


Now that it's been about ten years, I have decided I can handle sharing this unforgettable moment. I had been running every morning with a friend of mine. She was doing Weight Watchers and had been told she needed to do some cross training in order to get the last few pounds off. She decided that we'd start at the pool and do laps for half an hour, then our usual run. I was game. I'd lost several pounds due to her diligence as a running partner and didn't mind the challenge.

So. After swimming laps for half an hour, we headed to the dressing room to change into our running clothes. Luckily we were the only two in the changing room at the time. There weren't really separate areas to change so we basically turned our backs to each other and started the changing process. Trying to be modest, I decided to take my bathing suit only down to my waist, dry the top of me, put on my sports bra and shirt, then continue with the bottom half. Everything started out right, I dried off and grabbed my sports bra and started the process, but my skin was still damp. So when I pulled the sports bra on, it rolled. The farther I pulled, the more it rolled, to the point that it was wrapped around my head with both my arms up, quite stuck; chest hanging out and I couldn't do anything about it. After tugging and pulling a couple times I gave up and asked my dear friend for help. Of course she giggled and untangled my mess of a sports bra. In the process, I had dried quite nicely and was able to pull it down without further problems.

I don't remember swimming and running in the same day after that. If my recollection is correct, we decided it was a bit too much. In order to cross train we'd do one or the other, but not both....Thank Goodness!

1 comment:

Melanie said...

This makes me laugh out loud every time I read it! Why you may ask? Because I relate!